When invisibility is a matter of survival

The Dutch invented the microscope. They wanted things as detailed as possible from small art works by the grand Masters to the fine filaments of Philips lighting.

My father when sober brought home a microscope from his work. Sober in the mornings and on Sundays our day of rest when he could not access the drink.

I remember when Sundays were fun days for family drives or peering down a microscope lens to see the body of an ant.

I remember the way ants crawled over the kitchen bench after my mother made her endless cups of tea and the spilt sugar grains glowed like crystals on the Laminex top.

I remember my brother had a crystal set on which he tuned into the BBC and China.

I remember the days when we kids learned to speak in BBC English, our accents attuned to voices on the radio and television.

I remember how the television sat in one corner of the lounge room and I could squeeze behind one of the single lounge chairs and be invisible.

I remember the days when invisibility was a matter of survival.

When we survived on bowls of maizena pop, a custard made of corn flour, which we smothered with sugar.

I remember the way my mother made a well in a bowl of flour into which she poured melted butter and sugar to turn the batter into biscuits.

I remember when I stole biscuits from the brown paper bags she brought home from Mr Brockoff’s the grocery store.

My Brockhoff’s store on the corner of Canterbury Road was the best place to buy bird seed for my brother’s bantams.

I remember when the cage in which my brother holed his birds went up in flames and the fire brigade came with their long black hose.

I remember the way the hose snaked its way along the footpath into our back garden.

Right through yard with its crooked Hills Hoist, lopsided after my brothers used it as a gym ring to swing around.

I remember gym classes at my school when the physical education teacher, a man, tried to help certain girls in the class get a better grip on their knees when bending for exercise.

I remember those girls were petite and the beautiful.

I remember beauty as a thing to do with bodies, or so my mother told me.

The human body is beautiful, she said.

I remember when my father came at night hankering to touch another body.

I remember the nights when all I wanted was to go into the loungeroom and look at the details in a strand of hair, 

A strand of hair can look like one of my sister’s plaited braids under the microscope.

A strand of hair can become as glorious as sugar crystal under the lens of the microscope.

A Strand of hair can take you places in your imagination that the darkness of the night refuses.

I remember hating those nights.

Microbiologist, Antonie Van Leeuwenhoek, invented the microscope. I still love to wrap these syllables around his name, gentle on my tongue with the Dutch accent of my forebears.

When I was fifteen in science class, but not so interested in the material world, Mother Mary Paul introduced the microscope, and things came alive under the lens. 

Again.

When I first saw a microscope after my father brought one home from his work. Not only did he bring the microscope, but he also brought a box filled with a series of slides lined up like books in a library each in the separate slot. And each slide had impregnated on its surface an object of the everyday:

A skin follicle from someone’s sunburned shoulder.

A strand of hair from someone’s head or beard,

the body of a mosquito,

a grain of sand and sugar crystals, a splinter of wood.

We kids lined up alongside my father’s chair where he rested the microscope on the tiled coffee table and we each took turns to peer through the lens and so enter the magical world of minute detail.

Each enthralled at the way these seemingly ordinary objects from our material world transformed into specimens of great beauty. 

Who’d have thought the head of an ant could transpose you to a view of the universes, or a follicle of hair could look like a spiral staircase on which you might walk.

Who’d have known a sugar crystal could turn into an icy wonderland with every slither of ice, every drop of frozen water, the most glorious earrings a queen might wear with her royal robes. 

Who’d have thought we could move out of the tedium of that dangerous place called the lounge room where my father held court in the evenings and once he started drinking, the room became as unpredictable as an electric storm.

Yet there we were, each of us in turn transmuted elsewhere into the magical worlds Van Leeuwenhoek bestowed upon us by grinding pieces of glass and peering through. 

I learned the details of words and images, under the lens of glass my father brought home. See it there now, a microscope, as straight as a soldier in uniform with its gun shaped tube, barrel bearing down on the plate below ready to transform our world of the ordinary and everyday into the magic of detail. 

The world can look very different through a microscope. Safe in the detail. Unlike the world of the everyday with all its dangers, especially in your childhood home. 

On dust, familial decay and painting

‘The past of writing becomes the present of reading, even if three hundred years have passed.’ Siri Hustvedt

Even yesterday can become today and a week ago, relived as if this very moment when we write.

And as she writes elsewhere in her book on the death of her beloved husband Paul Auster, ‘Even if childhood is terrible, we are unwilling to wrench ourselves from it.’ we cling to it. Not only do we cling to the horrible aspects, remembering events as if they are still happening, we cling to other memories, ‘the land, the house, if one was raised there long.’ They grow in our imaginations as if we still view them through our child’s eye view.

Witness a small child first practising hand eye coordination, as they pluck at a small speck on the carpet.

There was a brown bear in my dreams this morning, a big furry Canadian bear ready to give chase and elsewhere a pond loaded with fish. They looked as though they belonged in the deepest recesses of water though they were close to the surface. They too were brown but also ugly with shattered skins as if made of stone. They remind me of the figures in Kelly Boesch’s work, surreal ugly and gloriously beautiful at the same time. Such is the stuff of dreams.

I’ve been in contact on Facebook with a great uncle, Jos Spekman, son of the brother of my grandmother, Jac Spekman, and therefore my mother is his niece, which makes me his niece too, and he my great uncle. But he is younger than my mother his niece, and I have trouble getting my head around the familial lines. As you do when families are large with many children ranging in age across two decades. 

So, my second eldest brother, the first to have a child in my family, has a daughter who is almost the same age as my youngest brother, though at least as her uncle, he’s still older. 

Jos is now 89 he tells me. From photos on Facebook, he looks nothing like this. In my family especially on my mother’s side we have bursts of longevity.

All her siblings were still alive into their eighties. We cannot claim the same in my generation, as my second eldest brother died last year and he had not yet hit eighty but he was almost there.

Generational patterns can be fascinating but not so much as the small details of day to day life. I’m at a loss for words this morning. Swamped as ever by the immediacy of my every day and the presence of a painter who is reconstructing the walls of our hallway damaged through repeated rain leaks that needed six different tradesmen before we finally fixed the problems. And in the meantime, in places in the hall way the paint has cracked, it’s underlying paper peeled off after layers of paint since the early 1900s and in places turned yellow.

Now at least, the walls are resealed and a first layer of paint applied. But it’s a long slow process and the preparation takes more time than the actual painting which goes on effortlessly if the preparation, the sealed cracks and undercoat are applied well.

The worst of it all yesterday when he shaved back the places he had patched and left a fine layer of dust everywhere. He used a machine for the purpose of his sand papering and the fine dust particles float through the house even after we kept doors closed. Its grot lines every surface.

I am not much of a duster at the best of times.

I leave dust to build up behind cupboards and in places too high to reach.

It never bothers me though there are industrious people who shift their dust weekly. To me dust is like autumn leaves. They pile on year after year and as much as you can move some along, turned them to compost much of it remains.

I prefer a sense of tidy untidiness to pristine clean. Pristine clean leaves me anxious in a way that is paralysing.

I have never wanted to live in a Vogue house. I have never wanted to live in a mausoleum, a place of the dead.